Love and reality are not interconnected.

I feel the need to love, I really do. But when I actually do, it makes me feel nauseous and suffocated. Maybe I have had too many blah relationships. And after each one I lay down hurt, but get up eventually, dust my hands and move on. It is not that they didn’t care for me, or me not for them.But I guess there was no real spark. It is not like I have been screwed over in relationships, I just don’t seem to find the connection.

I have stopped making the effort, coz I know I will be eventually fine , no matter what. So I have stopped having delusional romantic thoughts of spending my life with a person.

And this is kind of sad, as I was a genuinely a romantic person. I had hope and optimism and fun. And it is like when I saw you, my earth had shifted. It no longer revolved around the sun, but around you. Everything you touched ,saw and felt, gained life of its own, brimming with happiness of being a part of your thought and space.

Now it is like I had poured all my romanticism into that few weeks. And I was never able to ignite it again. You took away things from me.Everything I said to u , u kept, and took all of those words, feelings away. So when u left, I felt cold. Like love was not meant for me.

And everybody else who came along, was always a pale flickering candlelight ,while u had been the bright sun, the memories of which keep you warm even on the coldest night

somebody up there hates me?

yes , somebody up there hates me indeed... I dunno whether it happens to other people or not, but advertently or inadvertently i always get to have great weather , right before an exam or a test... after days of dust and a near drought, it rains today in gurgaon... n hold ur breath, right before my mid-sem. A mid-sem, I am not studying for, I will have no clue even if u do, so why bother...

For me it has become a classic case of : The more I study , the more I know;

The more I now, the more Iforget;

The more I forget the less i now;

Hence why study....

Anyways , everyone I know has started writing a blog- some good , some irreverant and some.. umm just no comments... The sudden influx of these , has inspired me tap away at my keyboard yet again,publish some random thoughts... Unfortunately no inspiration strikes,i do not shout eureka, all i do is look out,see the rain.. and think about the eventual giant-sized puddle that will form outside my house... making travelling on foot a lost art.It is a boom time for my local rikshaw wallah, who will charge my a grand amount of 25 bucks, no matter how much I haggle, for he knows my need is greater than his....

I aso think about hot piping chai, a beverage unlike most Indians, I am not fond of. Yet I think of the one cup of chai I had on my way to Singhad.Accompanied by kaanda bhaji(onion pakoras) and spicy green chutney... Iwould gladly travel all the way, if only for that delicious , elusive combination.

I reminisce about boat rides in Mahabaleshwar, in the rain which would chill you to your bones.Huddling under a tapri, eating babycorn rolls. The entire gang of friends shouting ,singing,laughing and in truth spooking the horses and little children.!

I now look up at the evening sky, splashed with colors of gold.. and say thank you to the someone above.I have people I love,and who love me in return,friends who crazy enough to be with me.And I think I may just have found my mojo....

goodbye....

Goodbye my old friend
Goodbye my almost lover
i don’t think of u any more
don’t think it was forever

i did what u wanted
and thought it wd last
But things don’t go as planned
Now u refuse to put history in the past

you made me feel cold
till I thought I wd shiver and die
never spoke another word
till the silence became too vast
and voices couldn’t pry

time heals everything
but sometimes scars remain
I think I still have a tiny cut
From which blood never seems to wane.

pray....

there are times when u know things wouldnt work out
and changing directions dont help
u wish the the winds will work for your sailor may be u wished u never set asail
but you cannot stay safe in the harbour
with ships as magnificent as yours...
your star may not be visible,and the night seems long and dark
keep walking ,johnny walker says
one person is lways there if u fall
a friend,a companion, a partner
u may think u have lost all
but gates will open up
if u have to go through them at all
smile,things always change
for better or for worse the chemistry will sparkle again
and fate will hand him to you again.